Bishop on How to Heal A Broken Heart

All of us have suffered brutal losses in our lives. No one is exempt from the pain of a broken heart.

For some it’s the death of a child, a family member or loved one. For some it’s the loss of an important relationship. For some it’s a brutal defeat or failure. For some it’s an accident or illness which steals ones health and with it all the hope and possibility of the future…



For me, most recently, it was divorce and the end of my marriage of 16 years.

For almost 3 months when my marriage collapsed, I felt like I was emotionally stuck in the fetal position, unable to work, not wanting to talk to clients, unable to sleep and sometimes, barely wanting to eat. ( In the first month alone I lost over 25 lbs. When my friends asked me my weight loss secret, I could only say “I call it the high anxiety diet.”)

Everything in my world seemed like it was collapsing and I didn’t know what to do.

I had never experienced so much pain, doubt, anger, sadness, and fear in my life.

It seemed like for hours everyday I would spend processing… trying to find meaning, understanding and direction.

While I know that I still have healing to do, and there are still some moments that are REALLY hard, For the most part NOW, I am so HAPPY and absolutely LOVE MY LIFE. I am filled with more power, confidence and certainty about my purpose and mission in life than ever. I have never felt so blessed or so connected to God. I am OVERWHELMED with GRATITUDE on a daily basis. I feel flooded with abundance and opportunity, and my life is filled with deep loving and meaningful friendships.

In the last couple weeks I have spoken to many that are heartbroken. Some who just recently experienced heartbreak and some have felt stuck there for years… and it made me think to my own journey and ask, “what is it that brings true lasting healing to a heart?”

In no way do I pretend that this is the answer to everything… but perhaps in my lessons that I share here you may find something that serves you to open your heart and find more joy…

1) GO TO GOD. Lean into Him. It may sound cliché, but this was by far the most important peace and solace I could find. When nothing else helped, sometimes I would find Him in the scriptures or other inspirational books, in conversations with friends, in the laugh of my children or the awe-inspiring colors of a sunset.

For me, the places where I would feel the deepest connection was in going to the mountains, or a park or anywhere I could be alone with Him and just talk. Almost everyday I would have my “walks with God” where I would go to the playground of the elementary school by our house and pour out my soul to Him… and then I would ‘listen’ as He would speak through me whatever message I was needing to hear at the moment.

I learned at a deeper level than I had ever known how close He really is, and how much He really cares… and in knowing that the creator of the Universe actually cared for ME, I found the light of hope in the darkness of my own thoughts I was lost in. I learned that I am NEVER ALONE, and never will be.

Our relationship with God is like any relationship… the more you invest into building it the richer it will become. Go to Him often, offer Him your whole soul, and learn how to LISTEN.

There’s a part of me that believes that the reason God “blesses” us with trials is to call us back to HIM. He is always there with outstretched arms ready to receive us, if we’re willing to GO TO HIM.

When you pray, don’t ask Him to take away the weight of your trials… Ask that he will help you learn the lessons and to build the muscle to bear it gracefully.

2) SEEK FOR THE GIFT… Every trial has a blessing that it brings. Every sorrow can lead to joy. Every failure has the seed of an equivalent success.

Almost everyone looks back at the challenges they had to go through and can see how much they grew in the process.

I couldn’t begin to count the number of blessings that have come into my life because of what I went through. The lessons that I learned, the insights that I gained, the growth I was able to experience, the people that I was able to touch and the new friends that entered my life. Now, I can’t imagine my life without those gifts.

BREAKDOWNS are always the catalyst for BREAKTHROUGHS.

What is the diamond that lies hidden in the coals? What is the treasure that lies hidden in your experience?

One of my core beliefs is that “GOD IS ALWAYS TRYING TO UPGRADE MY LIFE.” … and that means sometimes he needs to demolish what I had to build something better. I just need to be willing to go through the process and always look for the gifts along the way.

3) FOCUS ON GRATITUDE for what you DO have, rather than dwelling on what you don’t have.

Gratitude is the energy of abundance and the secret to happiness… and you ALWAYS can find something to be grateful for.

Our challenge is that when we are suffering pain or loss, all we can see is that. It’s like when you stub your toe, or slam your finger in the door, and all you are aware of is that pain.

Imagine that there is a beautiful painting but on one corner there is a black smudge and all you do is focus on that smudge.

EXPAND YOUR AWARENESS and see how blessed you REALLY are. Look for things that are RIGHT with your body, with your relationships, with your finances, with your life.

Keep a GRATITUDE journal that you use to capture and remind yourself of the blessings that FILL YOUR LIFE.

And express that gratitude as much as you possibly can to those around you.

4) GET OUT AND SERVE… sometimes the best way to realize how much you have, is to serve those who have less.

For me it helped so much to find an opportunity to go to the Children's Hospital and do puppet shows for the kids, or to take Peanut Butter Sandwiches to the homeless. It helped for me to start re-engaging with my work and asking how I can serve my coaching clients at a higher level. It helped for me to just learn to see the pain that those around me were experiencing and to just ask how I could help.

When we stop focusing on our own problems and started focusing on SOLVING OTHERS PROBLEMS, we immediately began to feel more connected to our purpose and we realize, maybe we don’t have it so bad after all.

5) SPEAK WHAT YOU WANT… Words have power. Your words will help shape and create the life that you live. If you are always complaining about your problems you are attracting more of those problems into your life.

One of the reasons some stay stuck in depression or challenges for a long time is because they find “SECONDARY PAYOFF” for their problems. Meaning, if someone is upset, hurt or depressed and they share their pain with a friend or a sister, and that person validates their feelings, then all of the sudden they feel rewarded for expressing their problems and lose motivation to change it. Their problems or their “Victim Story” becomes their way of feeling connected, and then they begin to build an Identity around their problems.

Always be aware of what’s coming out of your mouth and ask…” Is this what I want to create?”

Use your words to build you up, not to tear you down. Don’t waste time or energy ‘complaining, blaming or shaming.’

6) TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY… Power comes from realizing your role in creating the results that you are experiencing in your life. When you try to blame someone else, you give away that power.

In relationships especially, it’s easy to point the finger and want the other person to change. But that never works.

In the failure of my marriage I had to spend a lot of time looking at my patterns, my weaknesses and the areas where I could have shown up better. I had to unravel all of my actions and subconscious beliefs and realize the fears that were driving me.

By taking accountability for what you HAVE created, you can then make CHOICES to create what you WANT.

7) LEARN THE LESSON… here in this school we call earth, we are constantly confronted with tests to help us learn and grow. The faster we learn the lesson from that test the sooner we ‘graduate’ from that challenge. The slower we are to learn, the longer the test lasts, the harder it becomes, and the more we need to ‘repeat’ that grade.

With every challenge I try to ask, “how did I create this? what am I learning? what’s great about this? What do I really want? and what can I do different next time?”

8 ) ASK FOR SUPPORT… you’re not in this journey alone. You’re not the only person who has been through this before. And you don’t have to face it by yourself.

We are ALL connected, have all faced similar challenges, and all have a core desire to help each other. So, don’t feel like you need to figure it out by yourself.

The strongest and wisest people ask for what they need. The weak and the foolish try to do it alone.

I was SOO blessed during those dark months of my life to have amazing friends, family and coaches that I could call on to be my “lifelines.” Sometimes we would just talk for 5 minutes, or sometimes it would be hours as they helped me process what I was going through. I was blessed with friends who could not only listen, but who also could hold me accountable, and help me shift my perceptions and beliefs.

I hope you have lifelines like that…. If not, create them. Be that friend that you would want to have.

9) STAY PRESENT… Release the past- don’t worry about the future- embrace the present, this is where the true gift lies.

So much of our pain comes from re-living past mistakes or projecting a negative outcome into the future.

FORGIVENESS is the key to freedom. If you’ve been hurt, you must learn to let go, otherwise you will continue to carry that hurt into the future. Unless you release it, that pain from the past will only be anchor that you drag along holding you back from what you want to experience in the future.

While it is good to get clear on what you WANT to create in the future, worrying about it will only cause pain in the present. Know where you want to go, and then get present to what you can do in this moment to create it.

When you are truly in the present, you can be filled with gratitude and realize that you are fine… and you will learn to trust that you always will be.

10) LOVE is ALWAYS THE ANSWER… Love YOURSELF by finding ways to nurture your spirit. Rekindle your love of LIFE by pursuing your passions. Love your BODY by exercising often and eating well. Love OTHERS by focusing on the best and sharing your heart, your gifts, and your soul.

LIVE COURAGEOUSLY with your HEART WIDE OPEN… I know this is hard, especially when you’ve been hurt, but I promise you, this is the fastest way to heal. Learn to LOVE AGAIN.

and remember always that YOU ARE LOVED.

So, it’s just past 3:30am as I have felt compelled to write this, and I wonder who will be read this. I only write what I feel inspired to share, hoping that it will touch and serve at least one person.

Maybe that person is you, or maybe it is someone that you know.

What I know is that all of us, at some time or another go through those dark moments when we are looking for a glimmer of hope on the horizon to keep us moving another day.

I know that in those hard times in my life I yearned for words to inspire me to lift up my head and stand a little taller and keep moving on.

Maybe this will be a spark or reminder of hope for someone. Maybe in these words someone will be inspired to keep moving forward no matter how heavy the burden they have been carrying.

My invitation is that if you find value in these lessons, that you share this or your own words with your friends.

You never know who is going through one of those dark times of heart ache right now that you can touch simply by sharing.

FREEDOM

I believe it was Elbert Hubbard who once said that responsibility is the price of freedom, this I got to learn in the hard way when I was in my one year mandatory service for my nation. I will like to state here that my story is not a fiction but a record of my past and which you will find out after reading this article. I grew up in a family where my parents are strict and disciplinary figure in my neighbourhood. As horrible has my neighbourhood was, my mum still tried to inculcate a moral and religious background to me and my brother. When I was in school, I have always tried to remember my mother’s word and how well she has taught us. An adage that comes to my mind frequently was a Yoruba proverb which says ‘’Ranti Omo Eni ti Won Se’’ it simply means that remember the home which you came from. My university days were quite interesting because of the guardians of my religious friends and elderly ones all around me. They will make sure I do my assignment and also engage my service to the Lord. 

All things went well for me until I was posted for my National Youth Service Corps in Nasarawa state. I was not moved just because I have schooled in the north for six years which by now am used to. I quickly got all my materials I needed and boarded on a bus from Niger State to Nasarawa State. The Magaji Dan-Yamusa Permanent Orientation Camp in Keffi was the third best orientation camp across the nation. I was so excited on the site of the beautiful camp, after the whole registration and accreditation exercise, we were told to pick a block and also a bunk where we will stay because I was one of the first corp member to be in camp I took a very good spot and I was later joined by a guy Sam.  Sam graduated from my school also but a set before me and we clicked together forming a partnership that will later be called ‘’mafia corper’’.  Sam was a heavy smoker and a drunkard, while for me I only take one to two bottles and that’s all for the night. Sam taught me how to drink till we will have to be punished by soldiers the next day on the parade ground. I became so expert that I don’t only take one drink but also mix two to three drinks together just to get high as they say. At this point, my mind was always telling me that freedom is nothing else than the right to live in our own judgement which at this moment was made by Sam. After the two week orientation camp, I was posted to Ministry of Works and Housing in Lafia. My Community Development Service was my football team which I engage in while in camp. I was chosen as the captain of my batch and because of that I got a good posting and to the capital city. I got my own apartment in Lafia because of the lifestyle I was living in camp will not be tolerated in the family house. I got to make new friends from my football team and a very girl named Chioma. Chioma was a tom-boy who tries to balance a sociable life and a religious life. She invited me to her church which 

I went to and i invited her out with my guys for a drink which she often join us. After some months, she was really into it and she was competing with the other guys when it comes to getting high. I remembered a favourite quote of Chioma, ‘’I hope for nothing, I fear nothing, I am free to do whatever I want.’’ Chioma and I engaged in our usual fun of life together. At this point, we always crave for the night because I know am free to do whatever I like and desire.

After four months, I had a new neighbour who at the first discussion we had spoke to me about character and attitude we should portrait as a corper. He observed our movement for some time and he prayed to God to make us realise our potential and reason for having this freedom. After wasting six month of my service year, i later find out that freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. I have made my mistakes with my friends and we have wasted precious time in drinking and flirting around but thank God for his mercies that found us back to our moral sense and his kingdom. I have being to places to speak about youth reformation and I thank God that am now a motivational speaker using my life has an example to the youth around me. The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.  The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first. I tell you the youth getting ready for the youth service should know that freedom has a way of destroying things and it must be guided with moral virtues and also the fear of God. I leave you with a quote of my own that says ‘’ Freedom is nothing but a chance to be a better person.